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14 September 2016

I didn't fall, I jumped

I was going to say I fell off the 28 Days of Thoth wagon, but that's not true. I clung on desperately, but I wasn't enjoying the ride.

Nothing to do with the Thoth. I like it. Admittedly, it's a challenge to work with for one so used to RWS imagery, but it's refreshing.

No, the problem was the restriction. A lot of the time I just didn't want to work with Thoth, I didn't want to struggle through a 15-Card Spread, or try to comprehend the subtleties of elemental dignities.

But I'd told myself, and you dear Reader, that I wasn't going to use another tarot for the duration. I'd made a commitment. So I distracted myself with other things and simply avoided the deck. Because I intended to use the 28 questions from moonlit.tarot's June Instagram challenge as my "finishing line", I told myself it would just mean that I'd be working with the deck until I got through all the questions, however long it took.

So, I barely read with Thoth, I wasn't "allowed" to work with other tarots, and even my use of oracles was somehow tainted by the feeling that I "ought" to be using the Thoth instead.

I pretty much ended up not reading at all.

I wanted to quit, and I agonised over this. I really did. I actually journaled about my lack of motivation. Should I give in to it? Shouldn't I? What potential gains would I be throwing away? Was I being self-indulgent? Was I just plain lazy and undisciplined?

But then I thought about how I'd worked with the Tarot Balbi, not for the two weeks I'd originally, and with some trepidation, committed to, but in the end for well over a month. Not just to the exclusion of other tarots, but all my other cards. And I thoroughly enjoyed it and really bonded with the deck.

Maybe now was just not the time for me to bond with Thoth. If it was keeping me from reading, I wasn't benefitting from the attempt.

So, I jumped.

I felt immediate relief. I pulled out a few favourite decks and mucked about with them just because I could.   I've started posting daily draws on Instagram to put my "release" to good use. And I'm excitedly using a new and unusual deck I bought recently (I'll probably post about it soon).

I am still working my way through the questions, but the pressure is off. Will I ever master the 15-Card Spread and elemental dignities? I don't know. But for now, I can just enjoy reading again.

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