Who are you?

When I was younger, a lot younger, if anyone asked me what my favourite Tarot card was, I always said The Hermit. 

In those days, I acknowledged that I was very hermit-like, and even felt a certain amount of pride in the fact, so naturally, I identified with this card.

Then something shifted. I began to feel that I shouldn’t – shouldn’t – be a hermit. That I should make more of an effort to connect with people, join in, be part of society. I told myself that it wasn’t healthy to identify so strongly with The Hermit. That it was a negative mindset that only reinforced my anti-social attitude. And so, for a very long time, I tried hard to be more outgoing, social, normal…

My favourite card became The World. Not, perhaps, for the reasons my would-be redeemers might have hoped. To me, The World is completion, perfection, the All. It’s already a step beyond the realms of social interaction.

(source: www.queenoftarot.com/tarot_cards/66)

As I’ve gotten older with a capital O, I’ve become less and less inclined to make myself be something that, interaction by interaction, was become more and more obvious I was not. 

And then, a couple of days ago I saw a Hermit card in some online forum or other, and it suddenly hit me, like smack in the face hit me, that I had made a conscious decision, all those years ago, to deny my true self. 

Bugger that.

I still love The World card, but I remember now that I am The Hermit.

Who are you?

What am I afraid of?

I had big plans for October.

I was going to do some deep soul work with my Wild Kuan Yin Oracle, finally introduce myself to the Vision Quest Tarot, and show my rune-stones some much overdue love (Decks for October).

I put all my other decks away (which basically means I took them off my desk, because the decks I tend to use live within grabbing distance anyway), and put these three front and centre.

And then I did nothing.

There they sat, looking at me, day after day. And I just looked back. Okay, I pulled a random card or two, but I never made the time to actually dive in. And because I'd made a commitment to only use these three this month, I suppressed the urge work with any others. And so I worked with none.

Whyyyyyyyyyy??

One habit I have been able to maintain is that of "talking" with my mother each morning, using my Sibilla cards (they have special dispensation from the Three Deck Rule). So I asked her, "Why don't I work with my cards more?" And she said -

I avoid spending time working with my cards because I might discover deep and personal insights, so instead I fill that time getting public recognition and satisfaction from sharing my card related interests and ideas with others. I'm talking the talk rather than walking the walk.

Hmmm, guilty as charged. There are some shadow areas I'm still not sure I'm ready to look at. And if I were to really immerse myself in my practice, where would it take me?

I'm already trying to ween myself off Facebook. Instagram is okay because it doesn't required that much interaction. I can post and look and not have to spend ages reading and responding to discussions. YouTube is a bit more of a problem because I could easily spend several hours a day watching all my favourite channels.

But the real issue is not how much time I spend avoiding working with my cards, but dealing with the reasons for the avoidance in the first place.

A lot of it is simply laziness - just difficulty making myself do it. I work, I come home, I do my chores, and then I just want to take it easy.

Some of it is a lack of focus. I don't like throwing cards for myself without some sort of need or question, and I haven't found a way of reading for others that I feel comfortable with. That's another of my shadows - the fear of what actually using my ability for others might look like and how it might impact my precious "quiet life".

And some of it is environmental. My space is not entirely my own - it hasn't been for several months, and I don't know how long that's going to last. Ha! I've just noticed that Belvedere + Stanza could show me waiting for my privacy. 😏

I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed from here. I keep hoping something will happen that will force my hand, because I can't seem to make any progress on my own. I think I've written all this as a kind of shadow work journaling (another thing I want to do but don't), to get it out where I can see it and hopefully begin to deal with it.